Fitness

Thriving Through Injuries: My Active Aging Journey

At the age of 18, I transformed from a self-proclaimed couch potato into someone who walked and eventually ran to alleviate the pain associated with my lupus. Fast forward to today, at 50, I’ve learned to navigate a life filled with persistent pain through a combination of exercise, nutrition, and lifestyle. Remarkably, I achieved all of this without relying on costly gym memberships, spa treatments, or special interventions. Over the years, I’ve experimented with various approaches and currently, I’ve embraced functional training, wholesome food, the healing power of nature, and, above all, patience.

One critical lesson I’ve learned on this wellness journey is the importance of adaptability. Being ready to pivot at any moment has been the key to my long-term success.

Recently, I consulted my MS doctor about a new injury. To my surprise, he looked at me and reassured me that he wasn’t worried because he knew I’d find a way to overcome it. I’ve been under his care for over a decade, and he’s witnessed how I manage my health with an unwavering determination and patience that has been my guiding light.

Three months ago, I transitioned from running half marathons to being confined to a boot for two weeks, immobilized. I was advised to take it easy until I was completely pain-free, but the challenge was that pain remained a constant companion.

Though I might feel youthful and robust, my joints, feet, knees, and shoulders bear the wear and tear of 50 years. They’ve held up remarkably well, but there’s undoubtedly some mileage on this body.

Many people advised me to give up running long ago, warning it would be detrimental to my joints. Others discouraged me from hiking, citing its dangers. Now, as I sit with an ice pack on my foot after a short walk, I reflect on my choices and have no regrets.

I am ecstatic that I never heeded the advice to take it easy. I’ve cherished every moment of this active life and am grateful for the risks I’ve taken, which have gifted me countless cherished memories.

For three months, I couldn’t bear weight or walk, but I never missed a workout, tracked every meal, and stayed committed to staying hydrated by drinking enough water

As I begin a course of steroids to reduce inflammation in my foot, I’m aware that I’ve invested time in healing my gait, so that when I resume walking, it won’t result in the same problem. I have a remarkable team of doctors aiding in my recovery, but I’m committed to putting in the effort on my end to complement modern medicine’s efforts.

This active aging plan will propel me forward. I refuse to become a couch potato again, even when my body feels fantastic, out of fear of injuring myself. I spent enough years on the couch, and there’s no going back.

So, what advice can I offer for managing aging and pain?

  • Listen to Your Body: Pain is your body’s way of communicating with you. Pay attention to it and explore various methods to manage it, from bodywork to gentle movement. Avoiding activity altogether is rarely the best solution; instead, modify or avoid the activities causing pain.
  • Identify the Root Cause: If there’s an underlying issue, such as a gait imbalance, address it rather than simply enduring the pain. Correcting the original problem is essential for long-term safety. 
  • Keep Moving: Movement is crucial at any age. Sitting idle for extended periods, even when recovering from an injury, is not beneficial. Find exercises that facilitate healing without exacerbating pain.
  • Simplify Wellness: Sometimes, the simplest actions yield the most significant results. Prioritize drinking enough water, mindful breathing, and planning balanced meals. These fundamental steps require minimal effort and can substantially improve your overall health.

Remember, an active and healthy life is within reach, even when navigating the challenges of aging and pain. Embrace adaptability, listen to your body, and keep moving forward. Your journey is unique, and with the right mindset, it can be both fulfilling and empowering.

The 2020 Survival Kit

“Just go breathe”, thanks Captain Obvious, do you really think some meditation will help with my stress? During 2020, I woke up every morning with a plan to focus on healthy habits, but after a couple emails or news alerts the meditation minutes became an opportunity to repeat obscenities. 

Just like many people, COVID has taken a toll on my mental health and physical health.  The past couple of months were a tipping point for my stress, and getting the advice to just meditate and breathe was like a turn on switch for my stress. I am unique, stress is subjective and what works for one person might not work for me. 

Last year I was running a 50 Mile Ultra Marathon on the 8th anniversary of MS diagnosis, and this year I was spending time in multiple doctors’ offices trying to figure out how to walk again. It has been a long slow painful road to getting my legs back this year and rediscovering a new path to a healthy lifestyle was more challenging than training for a 50 Miler.

Completing a marathon or ultra marathon is wonderful, but it’s a selfish gift to myself. Living with a chronic disease is my real greatest accomplishment, and not finding the healthiest version of me has a domino effect on everything that I love. If I can’t get out of bed, my family suffers. If a flare up is serious, I can’t work. Living with a chronic disease is basically walking around with a ticking time bomb. Honestly, everyone’s health is a ticking time bomb, but people living with chronic disease are just more aware of their delicate fuse. 

How did I fall so fast? A healthy body is not a guarantee, and finding a way to navigate is the key to staying healthy. What worked in 2013 isn’t going to work in 2020, and daily reminders that it wasn’t working were only making it worse. 

The good news is that I am feeling better, and have found a way to stay accountable to my body. My MRI is scheduled for January and I am staying on plan for the remainder of 2020.

Here’s my survival kit for the remainder of 2020 :

Acceptance

I stopped waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and just adjusted to living in the tunnel. This might sound negative, but for anyone who has had a difficult road gets this. Stressors are not going to magically disappear at a convenient timeline to manage my health. I need to manage my health first and adjust my eyes to the dark tunnel. I won’t be angry when I am reminded of a time that I was faster, fitter, and happier. I will celebrate the journey and embrace the change. I will be the best me, today.

Goals

The concept of setting goals did not change in 2020. When I made the decision to manage my health, lifestyle setting goals were key, but I had more bandwidth to be intense when I first started setting them. Now the goals look very different. I am not as restrictive with my plan. I celebrate a little more frequently, and have lowered the bar without compromising the results.

My Community

Meeting a friend for a cup of tea at a cafe and laughing until we were kicked out was one of those pre-COVID activities I miss the most. Things have changed, but this is an opportunity to learn and grow from the people in my life. One of my favorite “new experiences” was a Kundalini Yoga class I joined during this unprecedented time. I am excited to grow my remote world and try new things.

I have also embraced my old community. I have been quarantined with my husband at it’s like we’re 18 again when we first met. In the beginning of our relationship we played Tavli (Backgammon) for hours, like Greek sailors. Now, the board is out, and I am much better. I am excited to play together at home and eventually on the beaches of Greece. 

Planning for after COVID

The pandemic will end and I will be ready. I am researching trips and new experiences that will be around in 2021. Things will be different, I will be different, but that difference is nothing but exciting. I am not going to be sad for what I have lost in the past year, but I am going to be hopeful because of how much I learned. 

I am confident that the next time I get on an airplane I won’t complain about the dinner being served, the leg room, or the movie options. I will only be excited about the destination and the people in my life. Being different is a gift.

Ask for help 

My middle name should be TMI. I have no filter and am completely transparent. It was a trait that developed twofold after I embraced my MS diagnosis. I discovered that pretending my life was perfect lead to more stress. The people who run away from the rawest version of me are not the people I want in my life. I am not needy, but I will look for any guidance and growth from anyone. I am a student of life and that means my teachers are everyone and every where. 

Be ready to pivot

If the same actions are not working be ready to be different. I have learned that complacency is a cinder block tied to my waist when I am trying to swim. I will always be ready to pivot and grow during this crazy time.  That does not mean closing doors, but finding new ways to open them. Life is too short to be angry.

Letting go of anger

This one is tough and doesn’t happen overnight. I am not a master of this skill, but I consider it a work in progress. I aspire to be a little better each day, and if I focus on everything other than my anger this will naturally follow.

Everyone needs to find their own way to manage their inner ticking time bomb. Embrace today as a gift that can all be an opportunity to celebrate the simple things in life. Going for a run and having a stranger start a conversation because he likes my shirt is a small gift. Decorating a Christmas tree with my three adult daughters was a special moment. Taking a nap in a warm cozy bed on a rainy day is wonderful.

Things are different and that will best thing that comes out of 2020.

Fall Reboot

Reboot, reset, or jumpstart call it whatever you want it, it is a challenge to change a lifestyle.

After my MS diagnosis on 11/11/11, I have been rebooting my lifestyle on a semi-regular basis. Managing MS and lupus without utilizing any pharmaceutical options requires discipline and focus.

November 11th is a reminder of the beginning of a very long journey to good health. Last year, I celebrated the anniversary of 11/11 with a 50 mile Ultra Marathon. This year, I can’t run more than a mile pain-free. My body is betraying me and I was not in the mood to celebrate the anniversary 11/11 this year. 

In 2020, for the first time in 9 years, I cancelled a training class because of the symptoms associated with my chronic diseases. Historically, I work through the pain. I did not cancel a class when I was suffering vertigo, I warned my clients that I might tip over, but I taught the class. When a MS hug constricted my breathing, I taught spin class. 

A historic pandemic, that targets a weak immune system and small businesses, is a tsunami of stress directed at my small, unprotected island. Coaching health and wellness doesn’t protect me from life. Let’s just say I got caught in a tsunami, and it wasn’t easy to get out.

I made the decision a few months ago to begin another lifestyle reboot. I am a work in progress which means I am always working to make progress. In the beginning of my challenge, I couldn’t sleep 8 hours at night or walk more than a mile without pain. Bed rest and exercise weren’t healing me. Now I am sleeping through the night, unless a stressful situation keeps me up. I am walking, but not running.

I am joining my clients for this six week Fall Reboot.   Let’s get healthier together.

What are my goals?

  1. More Hiking

Before the pain started, hiking was an opportunity to feed my competitive spirit. I heard about the NH48, a hiking patch for hiking all 48 of the New Hampshire 4,000 Footers, and I was taking it to the next level. I was on track to bag all the summits before my 49th birthday, until pain derailed my plans. My first solo hike, after weeks of debilitating pain, was something special. Now, I schedule my week around the weather and shut off my phone for those miles on the mountain. I am finding a new level of peace in the woods.

  1. Be a good example for my clients

I have a hard time understanding coaches who don’t walk the walk as they talk the talk. If the challenge is too difficult for me to manage with my busy schedule, how can I properly coach people? I am coaching myself for the next weeks and holding myself accountable to the challenge and my clients.

  1. Be patient

A healthy lifestyle is never about a quick fix. Patience is not by any means my strongest trait, but I am excited for growth during this Fall Reboot. I am working on balancing intensity with calm.

“Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I will not be perfect for six weeks, but I will be different, because the same is not working.

Working for women but managed by men

When I was hired by a large weight loss franchise five years ago, to “empower women through body transformation”, I was desperate. My oldest daughter was about to start college and we needed the regular income. I was 40 pounds heavier than I am today, but the commute was convenient.  Who knew that this one job would change the trajectory of my life and health.

Corporate orientation should have made me pack my bags and call Gloria Steinman, but instead, I sat for a week trying to memorize a sales script that made me want to wash my mouth out with soap and relinquish my ovaries.

Make them cry.

Remind them how their clothes don’t fit.

Show them a BMI chart and point to obese.

Don’t accept everyone into the program.

The best part of orientation was the final day. I sat for HOURS waiting for the CEO/Founder to come in and repeat the mission statement about “empowering” women.  While I sat waiting, I unexpectedly got my period.  This is a company designed for women, yet in their corporate office (run only by men), there was not one tampon in sight or out of sight. Trust me, I looked but there was no one to ask.

After being coached on how to speak to my sisters about body image and women’s health, by men with no degree in health or psychology, I had to march across corporate headquarters with my period and get a picture for their internal marketing.  I will give all corporate men a little heads up: when a woman gets her period unexpectedly, don’t take a photo.  My advice is to politely end the meeting and send people on their way.

And so my job began. I tried their sales pitch and it worked. Ladies handed me their credit card and I charged it up to $4,000 with that script.  After a few weeks, I did notice a trend and not a positive one. They regretted their choice and wanted their money back, but we had to force them to sign a “no money back” guarantee.

It felt wrong and I finally dumped the sales script and started to find my own voice and tweaked their program.  I worked hard to find the perfect plan for my sisters and followed it with my own results. I did like the weigh-ins and focus on results but dumped their product pushing and focused on real food with their family. I dropped weight with my clients.  I continually adjusted the program after LISTENING to my sisters, hearing their requests, and ignoring the corporate plan.

I was constantly in trouble for not following the corporate script or selling their nutrition and weight loss products.

Secret shoppers sent from the franchise were randomly checking in to grade my performance.  I failed when it came to following their strict rules, but was managing to exceed their revenue goals.

My loyalty went to my new sisters, my clients, and there was no way I would offend them by following that script or peddling unnecessary products. My plan worked, and women wanted to stay with the program and started sending their friends our way.

I never asked my clients to do something that I was unwilling to embrace personally. Why should they do it if I wouldn’t? So, when corporate forced managers to recruit clients for “transformation” pictures, I stepped in front of the lens. It was so hard to be naked with my story and let those men use my image.  They continue to use my image, words, and life with misleading information, even after they stopped signing my paycheck.

First, I would like to thank the founder for empowering me with their current advertising. I am feeling so empowered that I would like to share the sales script I currently use that helps so many of my clients maintain their healthiest, happiest weight.

First, I would like to thank the founder for empowering my transformation.

You are beautiful! 

Don’t do this to look better, just go spend your money on a new wardrobe if it is about appearance. 

Take the first step because you want to live longer and feel better. 

Eat real food and do safe workouts. 

Don’t allow anyone to body shame you, because we are all gorgeous at any shape or size.

I thought I was beautiful when I weighed 40 more pounds.

Our value is not determined by the size of our jeans, however, we need to listen to our body.

Do this because you want a front seat as a spectator in your families lives. 

Don’t do this for any man!

 

Tips for traveling

Going on vacation and traveling for work is the downfall for anyone trying to develop healthy habits.Unless you are planning to never travel it is important to create a plan that works. I have couple hard fast rules for success on the road.

 

My travel bag always includes snack packs of almonds, a bag of clementines, peanut butter or almond butter

If you travel on a plane just purchase Justin Almond Butter Packets. Security threw away my un-opened almond butter.

Purchase 16 oz of water before you get to the airport. Make sure you finish the bottle before you board the plane and refill it every two hours on the flight.  You will have 32 oz of water completed before you exit the plane for a two-hour flight.  When you get off the plane don’t stop drinking.  Make sure you refill that bottle 2 more times.

If you travel by car, just grab a cooler and fill it with these yummies pictured above. Don’t forget the travel utensils. I would also add some prepared foods. Any of the recipes will travel well.  
If you are on the road and need a grab and go here are some good options

You can purchase these goodies at any supermarket and leave it in the fridge or cooler

http://www.egglandsbest.com/product/hard-cooked-peeled-eggs/

Turkey Breast sliced thick with prepared green vegetables. My favorite is roasted brussels sprouts at Whole Foods.   

How to order at emergency restaurant stops

Subway or any deli- My advice for any unsuspecting Subway patron.  Don’t do the salad. It is a scary adventure that is not worth repeating.  Order a sub with double protein and skip the bread.  You can add mustard. When I ordered my first sub without bread the butcher asked if I was from California, that is always a good sign.

Starbucks- Feta Cheese Wrap and skip the wrap

Boston Market – 1/2 a chicken with a double order of vegetables.

If you are stuck going to a pizza place because you are traveling with your kid’s sports team, don’t go in hungry with pizza and salad as your only option.  Try and add an order of chicken wings(not fried) to the order.  I have found that it is always a big hit at these team dinners.  
Don’t be manipulated by great marketing.  If something says “high protein” or “low fat” don’t fall for it.  Just grab your 200 calorie bag of almonds, peanut butter on a spoon or almond butter packets.

Cheats

If you see something delicious on a menu…order it and enjoy it. Don’t go on vacation and have a Snickers bar.  Just make sure you get back to the plan ASAP.

My travel workout.

I created this go-to travel workout because of my short-term attention span.  It takes me about 40 minutes.  You can add some extra minutes to the cardio if you want a little more of a challenge.

 

Run/Walk on a treadmill(on a scale of 1-10 it should feel like a 7) 5 minutes

20 pushups

20 air squats(make 10 of them jump squats for an advanced workout)

20 situps

20 lunges(10 on each leg)

Rinse and Repeat 4x (or more if you are feeling motivated)

11/11/11

Yesterday, as I trained for a marathon I broke down thinking about how 11/11/11 was the beginning of bad news.  I remember sitting in a waiting room feeling like a warrior.  I was a Lupus survivor, mother of 3 with a healthy happy family just going in for a simple MRI.  After my MRI, I was quietly escorted from the public waiting room to a private room for a phone call from the doctor, and so the journey began. My potential MS symptoms matched with the two lesions they discovered on my spine.

I drove home and called, my rock, my dad.  He promised me that doctors knew nothing and that I was fine.  The miracle man guaranteed me a life with no pain and suffering and I believed him.

In less than 6 months I was in a different hospital back in yet another private room hearing another doctor tell me that my dad had cancer.  As my dad danced around the room promising me another miracle, I couldn’t be as optimistic and broke down.  You could tell that this was a different talk from his team.

We fought hard for miracles and his first round of chemo was considered a home run, according to his oncologist.

During that time Cal, my niece, and his youngest granddaughter would be diagnosed with MLD.  He fought that diagnosis with his faith and we argued about what terminal meant.  After Cals diagnosis the second round of chemo was not a home run.

Dad and I spent the next months having some intense discussions about the power of prayer and miracles. I argued that we cannot pick our miracles.  We are not promised a life without pain and suffering, and sometimes we have to redefine what we view as a miracle.  Sometimes we have to fight for those miracles. Our family was not immune to pain because God was not our private genie in a bottle. Babies could be terminal and spiritual men could die. We were not allowed to define our pain threshold. In my typical harsh way, we argued and cried. I never left his side but I couldn’t pretend that his youngest grandchild was going to escape MLD simply because of his connection to God.

However, I defended the miracles man’s decision to not sign a DNR and I secretly dreamed that he would get on a plane to Greece for one of his famous pilgrimages and come back cured.

Instead, he declined quickly, as did Cal.

Within months my dad and Cal both entered hospice care.  I had no idea what hospice meant, but now I was screaming at hospice nurses to fight for my dad to stay alive. I pleaded with my dad to fight for a miracle, but it doesn’t work that way. In 2013 I lost my miracle man, just a few days after the birthday I share with Callie.

Cal is still in hospice, and I am witnessing those miracles that Dad promised.  My neurologist cannot understand the progression of my disease.  He considers my MS to be subtle, and because of research, fundraising, and mothers like my sister, MLD kids are going to school. Cal won’t be one of those kids, but without Cal and the other families that have witnessed this disease, this wouldn’t have happened.

Running a marathon is such a small part of that miracle but that is how it works. It’s a lot of people doing small things that build up to real change.

I broke down on my run because I wanted to apologize to my dad for arguing about miracles.  I wanted to tell him I was fighting for miracles because of him and everything he promised me.

 

Training for the Philadelphia Marathon

My first marathon was an impulsive decision I made in my 20’s before my frontal lobe was fully developed. Since that first marathon, I have run a total of 5 marathons and was celebrating a conscious uncoupling from marathons for the past 10 years.

The first time I ran a marathon

  • iPhones did not exist
  • Texting was fancy
  • I listened to music on an MP3 (because the iPod was a passing fad)
  • I had 2 weeks to train.

I was a young mom with three babies, 4-years old and under. I had survived three high-risk pregnancies with three healthy girls and was a trainer in a gym. I was living the miracle and felt a little invincible.

I had two weeks to train. I had no idea I was even on Heartbreak Hill during the marathon.  I decided that when you are not running really fast it does not matter as much. I did not know how many miles was in an actual marathon.  There was no “search engine” to fully understand what a marathon entails. My training was a 9 mile run the weekend before and a chat with an experienced runner on the bus ride to Hopkinton. That bus ride probably saved me a trip to the hospital that day.  Who knew those water stations were important?

Currently, at 44 my life and legs have changed.  My girls are calling me excited about their college classes.  My father is not available to get nervous about my crazy life choices. And, my life has helped prepare me for this marathon.   I made the decision to run this time for, Cal, my running motivation.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VqvZabxJHqs

The training was going great until July. I had to take a month off because of weakness in my left leg and the summer heat.  Today I finally felt strong enough to run a solid distance.  It takes a lot of planning for me to run that distance, now.  I don’t understand how my body works but with a fully developed frontal lobe, I am very careful.

I decided to add caffeine to my life again and only drink one cup of tea before my run. I am still intermittent fasting which means it has to be timed perfectly in the day.  I am trying to add more yoga to my schedule. Today I crushed my 10 miles in under 90 minutes and was able to work a full day, walk the dogs, bathe the dogs, fold laundry and clean my house(“clean” might be a generous description of my house..cleaner is more appropriate).

I am thrilled that I hit my goal this morning and I am ready for next week. My goal is 11 miles.

 

 

A day in the life of a sugar addict and health and wellness coach.

“I have been eating your turkey chili for years and haven’t lost any weight.”

“I stopped eating bananas and my weight still goes up.”

…and this is why I don’t love sitting down and doing one nutrition session.  People usually pick and chose advice and get frustrated with the results.  Personally, I eat bananas and I don’t just eat turkey chili, but I am cautious with my sugar even from fruit and I enjoy my turkey chili.  I create recipes by looking on the internet and modifying them to fit in my plan. Success is not about one recipe or one piece of advice. Success is all about habits and lifestyle.

So, I thought I would review a day of eating on the road when I don’t have time to cook and I am not super careful. Currently, I am intermitting fasting with means I only eat for 8 hours in the day.

The day starts with herbal tea and water because I gave up caffeine…. I am not sure if this is a keeper but I am trying life without caffeine for 28 days.

11:30 My husband bought me donuts because we happened to be in a town with a 5-star donut shop. I have a donut shop yelp rule because I really love donuts. I had one bite of chocolate donut and one bite of coconut donut and hid the rest in his car.

I drank 3 bottles of 16 oz of water

1:00 We stopped off at a new restaurant in an unfamiliar town.  I ate steak tips with a side of steamed broccoli and a baked potato.

7:00 pm and I am home. I make my favorite breakfast while I eat a freshly picked apple.  I cooked my sugar-free bacon in a cast iron skillet.  I used the bacon grease to saute kale.  I cooked two eggs in the kale and covered the eggs with 1/4 of an avocado.

I bought my daughter some wonton soup because she had a nasty cough. I ate her soup broth with all the greens.

I thought about waking up my husband and asking if he knew where the rest of the donuts were but I stopped myself.

I drank at least 3 more bottles of 16 oz of water.

 

 

 

 

 

Breaking up

Breaking up is hard to do, but last week it felt great.  I just renegotiated my relationship with my neurologist.  Six years ago I started my journey with MS. I was tired and weak. Last week, I asked my doctor if we could stop seeing each other every six months. It was a long road to get to that appointment

FullSizeRender (59)

No, I was not pregnant in this picture. I was getting ready to send my oldest daughter off to college and I was exhausted, stressed and very sick but life did not allow me to make any changes. I was on a crazy roller coaster for the past six years with many ups and downs.

I made many changes in the past six years but this photo was the BIG change.  I knew that I needed to cut stress out my life and make a complete overhaul with my nutrition. I told my doctor that I was not going take any meds after I snapped this picture.

IMG_2332

Yesterday, I validated my decisions and I bumped up my MRI to every two years instead of every year.  I will visit with my neurologist every year instead of every six months.  I am still med-free. I continue to read my body and make adjustments.

I have learned to run from stress and make the necessary adjustments to my nutrition and fitness.

Two months earlier I was hurting.  My left leg was weak and my knee was killing.  My pain was around a 7 and I was tired.  I tweaked my life and it worked. I quickly eliminated stress.  I was careful with my distance runs.  I focused on some balance exercises and added more yoga. My favorite change was intermittent fasting.

I don’t have the perfect plan for success. My emergency phone tree is completely different.  The quantity and quality of my support network were overhauled.   I love my new village!  I will continue to make adjustments and I am little excited for the next chapter but I am cautious.

Are you sure you’re sick?

I am not a doctor and have no background in science. I am unwilling to study the why of my life. I don’t understand how my body works or why it won’t work.  It has been almost four years of this TMI life, and yet because I don’t wear a neon sign stating the obvious, smart and kind people dismiss my journey.

Second opinions were not enough for my diagnosis.  I have met with 4 Neurologists (two of whom were MS specialists ) and 8 Rheumatologists over my lifetime. I won’t include the countless PCP’s, OB/GYN’s, and all the extra doctors in the room during my appointments.

A conservative estimate of twelve specialists at the best hospitals in Boston questioned the diagnosis and have come to the same conclusion.  Please don’t see me for a few minutes and make a diagnosis from your kitchen counter.

Chronic illness can be invisible. Please keep that in mind when you hear about a friend with a diagnosis.

I stopped trying to categorize my symptoms and I don’t dwell on the hiccups of my life. I am, however, tempted  to get a neon t-shirt that says, “It takes a lot of work to look this good”.

I am not usually vocal about my illness unless I am sitting on a paper roll, but 93% of communication is nonverbal.   I was monitored for three high risk pregnancies and spent two months in the NICU with my premature baby. I listened to my doctor when she told me that my body was too weak to carry any more children.  After 26 years, my husband can read my pain with spidey sense. My cleaning lady knows when my sheets are drenched from night sweats. A keen eye can recognize my awkward gait after a long car ride. But, when people question my diagnosis it is painful and dismissive.

Last month, I had my annual MRI and my neurologist was impressed with everything.  I improved with every test except one.  I struggle to walk across a room with one foot in front of the other.  I promised that I would practice and next time I would dominate.  He laughed with my intense focus. I have learned that great warriors are neither perfect nor lucky, they just know how to handle adversity and know when to surrender. I am a warrior, constantly adjusting,

I run everyday and at the beginning it feels like I am Kaiser Soze from The Usual Suspects.  My gait is awkward and I can’t feel my feet.  It usually takes me about 2 miles to feel my body but I still run.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQv2-JCpKMk

My initial walk/run is awkward and slow but I can finish like Tom Cruise in a Mission Impossible trailer. I like to focus on the Tom Cruise image but that is not who I am.

Three years ago when I dropped my daughter at college, I was struggling with daily fatigue and weakness. During orientation weekend I made a quiet arrangement with my legs. I would respect my body and walk up of those grueling Ithaca, NY hills, but by the time my girl graduated I would be running the hills, not walking. I am on track to reach my goal from three years ago, but I am not comfortable.  I did not walk up any hills this year during my visits to Ithaca but she has not graduated from college.  

IMG_5707

Visiting my girls at college one week apart.  Same legs but the difference between running in Ithaca, NY vs. Philadelphia

Lately, I have experiencing random numbness and weakness on my left side.  I was exhausted last month and struggled to get going during the day, but today I feel good.  I am not immune to my immune system.  My crazy intensity has not cured me of anything but I will move forward and adjust.  

I understand that I have some individual successes from the past four years, but I am not satisfied with the results. I will work this year to maintain and get stronger for her graduation and beyond.  I will own my weakness and make it my strength.   I will practice my walk with my regular insane intensity before my next 6 month neurology appointment. I will run today and finish like Tom Cruise.  Eventually I will surrender with the understanding warriors are not born , they are reinvented every day.